Sobriety: Learning to Feel Comfortable in My Own Skin
For nearly half my life, alcohol was my escape. From the ages of 16 to 30, I relied on it to feel more comfortable in my skin. With the aches and pains in my body and the weight of self hatred, drinking was my way of becoming someone else, a more outgoing version of me who could push through exhaustion and insecurity.
In my early 20s, I lived on 2–3 hours of sleep, fueled by alcohol, working, going to school, and partying. Outwardly, I was functioning, I held down jobs and kept moving forward. But inside, I was unaligned with myself. My personal life was filled with decisions I wasn’t proud of. My romantic relationships were disasters. I was searching for acceptance, desperate to be the “cool girl,” and alcohol seemed like my ticket in.
The Turning Point
When the pandemic hit in 2020, life slowed down. The constant socializing that had fueled my drinking came to a sudden halt. As an introvert, I found relief in the quiet. That’s when I decided to put alcohol down as a one year experiment to find myself.
I had been a social drinker, but a constant one. Bartending in my younger years only made alcohol part of my identity. Still, I wanted to know who I was without it. I wanted to learn how to connect with people without the lubrication of alcohol or drugs.
The book Quit Like a Woman by Holly Whitaker had planted the seed for me. It explained the science of alcohol’s effects and gave me language for the rising anxiety I experienced after drinking. One night, after only a few drinks with friends, my anxiety was so unbearable I couldn’t sleep. That night, I decided: enough. The experiment began.
Discovering Myself Without Alcohol
As social life slowly resumed, I tested myself in new ways. Going out, being around drinking, and choosing not to join in. I noticed how much alcohol distorted interactions. Miscommunications, heightened emotions, tears, and regret, I recognized behaviors I used to embody, and for the first time I saw them with clear eyes.
That perspective kept me going. I realized alcohol had never given me real freedom; it had only dulled me. What I was truly searching for was the ecstasy of radical self acceptance.
At times, my motivation came from ego, I wanted to prove to myself (and maybe to others) that I could thrive without it. But with every passing month, my sobriety felt less like a test and more like a homecoming. I began a detox protocol that further inspired me to clear my system, and it solidified my commitment to living differently.
Over time, I became more resilient under stress, more comfortable in my own skin, and more connected to what I truly wanted. I wasn’t just trying to fit in anymore. I was free.
(Related: The Seven Practices That Changed My Health and Happiness — how I built resilience and self-alignment outside of drinking.)
Sobriety, Love, and Hard Lessons
Three years into my sobriety, I fell in love with someone who struggled deeply with alcohol. Watching him suffer was heartbreaking. I saw so much of my younger self in him, the potential, the pain, the self-hatred. I wanted desperately for him to choose the path I had chosen. But I learned the hard truth: sobriety is a personal choice.
I had been fortunate, once I decided, it was “easy” for me in the grand scheme of things. But for him, it was a constant battle. His drinking eventually created distance and pain between us, and in the end, he resented me for what I represented. That relationship forced me to see alcoholism not just as a habit, but as a disease and to recognize that each person must find their own way out, whether through support groups like AA, medical help, or their own inner decision.
What Sobriety Has Given Me
Sobriety became the doorway to transformation. It allowed me to finally take an honest inventory of my life. To look at myself without numbing, and to change what I didn’t like.
I learned:
We are not destined to repeat who we’ve been.
We can choose, in the now, to become a different version of ourselves.
Change is available in every moment but it requires presence and courage.
Today, I live with a freedom I never imagined. Sobriety gave me my true self, the one I had been chasing with every drink, but could never quite reach until I put the bottle down.
Sobriety has been the foundation of my healing. It’s the reason I can stand fully in who I am, without needing to escape. And that freedom, above all, is worth everything.
